Let's Get Real About Relationships: Q&A with a Couples Therapist
By Mikaela Gossmann-Bond, RP (Q)
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Whether we admit it or not, many of us crave ‘perfection’.
We want to believe in soul mates, true love and that life partner who will stand by our side no matter what. When our expectations don’t match our reality, it’s easy to take that relationship for granted. But the reality is committed relationships don’t happen overnight. Healthy relationships take much time and care to protect.
“Real relationships aren’t perfect, and perfect relationships aren’t real.”
We’re talking to Mikaela Gossmann-Bond, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), here at everwell about couples ‘getting real’ about their relationship.
Q: Why is the idea of a ‘perfect’ relationship a bad thing? Lots of couples are truly in love…why can’t I have that too?
One of the reasons why “perfect” is a harmful idea is because, as a word that describes something ultimate, everything other than “perfect” is dumped into a category of “imperfect.” There is no room for nuance. Grey area of all shades becomes lumped into a single category of lack, failure, broken expectations and “not enough.” If we are searching for a “perfect” relationship with our partner, how much more room, then, do we give ourselves for landing in what we see as an “imperfect” relationship?
When we need to make a decision, it can be easy to get caught up in wondering what the “right” decision is. The fact of the matter, however, is that there is no such thing as a “right” decision. There only exists the “best” decision for the moment, taking into account the information we have at the time. In a similar way, there is no such thing as the “perfect” relationship, much as we may yearn for it due to expectations given to us by our media or our own general perfectionism. Rather, there exist many grey shades of “good” relationships.
A good relationship can have its ups and downs, its times of butterflies and times of boredom. It can be a mess. It is okay to have a goal of “leveling up” your relationship one grey shade at a time, so long as you recognize what makes it grey: the nuances of the good and the bad, the holding space for the pain and the recognition of what you appreciate, all together. Indeed, sometimes it is the very act of accepting all the nuances of the grey that gives you what you need to grow even further. Here, there is not a story of “we have an imperfect relationship but we wanted a perfect one,” but a story of “we have a complex relationship of good and bad and we want to honour the good and work on the bad.”
Q: We were ‘crazy in love’ but now it feels like I don’t even know who this person is. What happened?
It may feel sad to perceive that you’re losing the person who gave you feelings of being crazy in love. It may feel worrying to lose those feelings. Your partner stands there, but the feelings have disappeared. Is something wrong? In our culture, and many others around the world, there is an expectation that our partners will be our everything. They should be our lovers, our comforters, our friends, our housemates, our co-parents, our co-workers, our business partners and more. What impossible standards! If you became especially used to your partner in one role, a shift of roles can feel strange. Perhaps their primary role to you used to be as a lover, passionate, alluring and thrilling. When they shift into a role of a housemate one day, the loss of the lover may be painful. You may crave the lover and resent the housemate. In couples therapy, some work may focus on the dual tasks of learning to appreciate the housemate, as well as creating collaborative strategies and helpful mindsets to reawaken the lover again.
Q: Everything’s changed. Everything’s different. Our relationship isn’t the same. Will it ever be like it was?
Just like our bodies grow, so do our human connections. Nature outside the window goes through the same seasonal cycles, but no one springtime will be like the next. If you’re mourning a lost part of your relationship, it is okay to acknowledge that and see how you can fully mourn the past as well as create a present that continues its good legacy. You may find that, while you can return to “springtime,” it will remain different and unique from last year’s. The work of therapy has the potential to help you and your partner embrace the new stage you find yourselves within and feel at peace with the current season of your relationship.
Q: It’s like all the things my partner loved about me, are now the things they hate. How can I fix this and should I even have to?
It is not unusual that the things our partners once found endearing about us are now the very things they resent. This may be very painful and confusing, but it can be explored and reworked. For this specific relationship issue, I love using some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in couples therapy. Oftentimes, this painful situation arises over a length of time where thoughts, assumptions and misinterpretations go unchecked and layer upon each other, until the whole way we see our partner shifts. By investigating these previously-unchecked thoughts, testing their validity, working out other possible interpretations with our partner and therapist, and building a habit of checking new thoughts as they arrive in the future, it is possible to find the way back to the positive, enjoyable interpretations like “endearing.”
Q: We can’t seem to agree on anything anymore. Do I have to lose every argument to keep us together?
Not necessarily. Oftentimes, couples find themselves in circles of fighting about fighting, where their triggers are how the other person fights, rather than the actual content at hand. In ideal arguments, there are no winners or losers. Or, if there are, it is that your relationship wins and the problem loses. Tools of healthy communication can help both partners genuinely hear each other’s sides and, gently, together as a team, move toward a satisfying solution.
Q: How do I decide if I still want to be with my partner?
This is an important and meaningful question, and one that therapy can certainly help sort through. There are many factors that can allow people to thrive together in partnership, and the importance of those factors varies from couple and to couple. Some couples can thrive on high dedication even when they have low compatibility. Some can thrive on high compatibility which fuels their dedication. Some value frequent happiness more than long term bonds, while others value long term bonds more than frequent happiness. Your own unique value system, relationship needs and beliefs about what makes a relationship worth staying in will inform your decision. Your therapist will not be able to advise you what to do or lead you one way or the other, but they will be able to walk alongside you as you dig into your values, needs, beliefs and, ultimately, your choice.
Q: Are other couples going through this or is just us?
I can emphatically say that it is almost certainly not just you. You may be surprised at how repeatedly the same themes are brought to couples therapy by so many different, unique people. The wounds, lacks, concerns and struggles that you have with your partner are likely shared by many couples around you, private and intimate as they may be. In the same way, the hopes, goals, progress and appreciations that you have in your relationship are likely shared as well. Whether you want to visit therapy to maintain the best parts of your relationship, prevent possible worsening, heal past wounds, sort out difficulties or find solutions and answers, you are not alone.
Q: When is it a good time to see a couples counsellor?
Some clichés apply here: the sooner the better; nip it in the bud; beat the clock; no time like the present. Preventing a problem is often more productive than solving it once it’s arrived. Solving it once it’s arrived is often more productive than healing it once it’s left scars. Healing it once it’s left scars is often more productive than not healing it at all. I have met too many couples who voiced regret that they didn’t try therapy sooner to be any less frank in my answer. I encourage you to give therapy a try and see if it might work for your relationship. Our 30 minute complimentary consultations here at everwell are a great option to begin your journey without commitment.
Q: Can therapy really help?
Yes, it can! At its core, couples therapy is a place where you and your partner can privately, safely and securely explore the goals or needs that are important to you, in a place with professional support and no judgement. Therapy has the ability to offer your relationship tools, perspectives and ways of talking together that you find novel and useful. A repeated theme I hear from my couple clients is: “I’m surprised to hear him/her talking so much! It’s lovely to hear that side of them,” and “It’s easier to talk about this stuff with a third party present.” Whether you value therapy for its provision of a professional, objective third party, for its new perspectives and tools, for its support and validation or for its safe space to explore tough stuff, therapy may offer benefit to your life.
So, how is your relationship ‘really’ doing? Maybe it’s time to talk about it.
How we can help
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Our experienced couples counsellors are here to help you navigate major life challenges and develop new patterns of interaction - teaching you skills that are vital to restoring and maintaining a healthier relationship. If you would like to know more about whether couples therapy at everwell is right for you and your partner, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.