Let's Get Real About Fights: Managing Conflict in your Relationship
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
Did you know that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable? In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman, research proves that almost 3/4 of relationship problems cannot be solved. Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counter-productive. Instead, couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.
Ok, but what does that really mean?
There are probably things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way (like they talk too much at parties or maybe they are really stubborn), or long-standing issues that keep coming up over and over again (like spending and saving money). No couple can ever eliminate their ‘unsolvable’ problems.
However, according to the Gottman Method for Relationships, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth.
Photo by Jacob Rank on Unsplash
So, here is a look at 3 ‘conflict blueprints’ to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.
Conflict Blueprint 1: Current Conflicts
This ‘blueprint’ involves each speaker and listener taking turns. Each of you must be able to state your position clearly and fully. You both must be emotionally calm when speaking. It is important that each of you state your feelings and ask that your partner listens in a positive and respectful way.
Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint 1:
Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone. Use an “I” statement and express something you need. For example, “Can I ask you something? I felt embarrassed when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Can we talk about how to make this not happen in the future?”
Only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner listens. No interruptions! If things get too heated, take a 15 to 20 minute break and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down until you are ready to resume talking.
Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and deescalate the conflict. For example, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say “I hear you” or “I understand” and so on. Body language is important, too. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.
Conflict Blueprint 2: Attachment Injuries
This ‘blueprint’ focuses on discussing past emotional injuries, or ‘triggers’ that occurred prior to or during your relationship. These injuries can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved and frequently involve breaches of trust. The goal is to gain understanding of each other’s perspective and try to form productive plans for healing.
Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint 2:
Offer a genuine apology to your partner even if you disagree with their perspective. Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.
Verbalize what you can take responsibility for. As well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the hurtful interaction. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you” or “I was stressed all day and took it out on you.”
Ask your partner what they need from you to heal or move forward. Be sure to follow through on the request.
Conflict Blueprint 3: Gridlock and Dialogue
This ‘blueprint’ is about being in dialogue, and the goal is to learn to accept your differences - you make peace on an issue and you agree to disagree. If you can successfully navigate a recurring problem in your relationship you will learn to express acceptance of each other‘s personality, and can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on issues where you disagree.
Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint 3:
Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should communicate clearly and honestly. Where does your perspective or position on the issue come from, and what does it symbolize for you? What kind of core issues are at stake for you?
As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing, and don’t give advice or try to solve the problem. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you, and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns. Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.
Find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way to larger plans. If your core issues differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to make plans to give each partner a chance to grow.
So, now that you know what goes into managing conflict in a healthy way, how do you and your partner measure up? Maybe it’s time to talk about it.
How we can help
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Our experienced couples counsellors are here to help you navigate major life challenges and develop new patterns of interaction - teaching you skills that are vital to restoring and maintaining a healthier relationship. If you would like to know more about whether couples therapy at everwell is right for you and your partner, book a free 30 minute consultation and we can talk about it.
Sources:
The Gottman Institute at gottman.com
Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT., Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success, The Gottman Institute, 2017