How to Support Someone Through Anxiety
By Brittany Barratt, MACP, RP(Q)
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Do you know someone who’s struggling with anxiety and you’re just not sure what you can do to help? Here’s what you need to know…
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is normal. We all experience anxiety at times. It is a bodily system that helps us deal with danger or to perform at our best. What we typically refer to as our body’s “fight-flight-freeze” response which prepares our body to defend itself. We experience anxiety when we perceive or think we are in danger.
Anxiety becomes a problem when your body reacts as if there is a danger where there is no real danger. Anxiety is helpful and adaptive when it works right, but if there is no real danger, it is not only scary, it is very exhausting.
Anxiety is not the everyday worry about paying bills, landing a job, a romantic breakup, or other important life events. Anxiety is a constant and unsubstantiated worry that causes significant distress and interferes with daily life. This can include avoiding social situations, having seemingly out-of-the-blue panic attacks and irrational fears that can lead to uncontrollable physical, behavioural and cognitive reactions.
So, what can you do to support someone who is struggling with anxiety? Let’s start by revealing the truth about dealing with anxiety:
“I see that you are struggling and I am here for you.”
Anxiety Myths vs Facts
“Everyone has anxiety, you just have to deal…”
Myth: You can control what’s going on in your head.
Fact: Anxiety can be treated but not always controlled. Anxiety isn’t just something someone can turn off.
“You just have to learn how to calm down. Have you tried yoga or meditation?
Myth: You can cure anxiety.
Fact: There is no cure for anxiety. Yoga, meditation and other forms of self-care and therapies including medication are meant to help treat symptoms of anxiety but it doesn’t always work for everyone.
“Anxiety disorder? You just seem stressed to me.”
Myth: Someone who has anxiety shows obvious signs or symptoms.
Fact: On the surface, there are a lot of people with anxiety that appear to be successful, together, and calm - the typical Type A personality who excels at work and life. However, the way they feel on the inside may be very different. In fact, many who suffer from anxiety are often perfectionists who are constantly fighting a fear of failure. They work hard to keep their anxiety hidden.
“What are you getting so worked up about? It’s all in your head.”
Myth: Anxiety and panic attacks are an act for attention.
Fact: Anxiety is real and panic attacks are a serious matter. This is not an act for attention. Period.
“There is nothing worse than someone saying, just snap out of it.”
Do’s and Don’ts for Reassuring Someone With Anxiety
Avoid assumptions
Whether you know a lot about anxiety or you’re just learning, one thing to avoid when supporting someone with anxiety is making assumptions. It’s great to do research and educate yourself to understand as best as possible, but keep in mind that every individual is unique and experiences things differently.
Listen without judgement and without making assumptions about what they may or may not be experiencing.
Validation is Key
When you love someone, you don’t want to see them struggle – you want to fix it! Anxiety, however, doesn’t always improve with quick fixes. Instead, ask your loved one if they would like help or they would just like to chat/be heard. Often, validating what they’re saying or feeling can go further than trying to fix it. Try statements like “That must be difficult,” “I hear you, let me know how I can support you,” or “Tell me what that’s like.”
Be compassionate
Anxiety can be really scary and overwhelming and can make people act and respond differently from how they usually are. Anxiety impacts people’s moods and daily activities, which can cause frustrations in others. Practicing compassion is essential to understanding that often it’s the anxiety that is causing these changes. Do your best to exercise kindness, warmth and compassion, both towards your loved one and towards yourself as you do your best to support them.
Support them in making changes
Often, tackling anxiety means starting small! This could mean a change in some daily activities, completing anxiety-related learning activities or starting a new self-care hobby. If your loved one is interested, a great sign of support is to make these changes with them. Perhaps you can find a new form of exercise you both like, or change up your eating or sleeping habits. There’s power in numbers and doing it together is a great way to support one another!
Take care of you
It’s wonderful that you want to help and support the person in your life who is experiencing anxiety, but it’s critical that you also ensure you support yourself too! Make sure to spend enough time on your own self-care and give yourself a break from caretaking sometimes. In some cases, anxiety is too difficult for your loved one to manage alone. You may wish to work with your loved one to help them find more intensive support such as a regular counsellor or a training program. You are not expected to do it all, so be kind to yourself.
10 Responses to Someone with Anxiety
Knowing what to say always seems to be the most difficult part for people trying to support those with anxiety. In supporting a friend that lives with an anxiety disorder, it’s more important to just be there than it is to necessarily find exactly the right words to say. Just by being present, you’re sending a message that you’ve got this. However, if are feeling stuck and want to be prepared, here are 10 reassuring responses you can use:
I love you and that’s why I’m here.
It makes a lot of sense that you feel this way.
You don’t need to explain yourself to me.
You don’t need to feel pressured to stop feeling this way, take all the time you need.
You are not a burden.
I’m here for you.
It’s really okay that you are not okay right now.
You’re allowed to feel this way, even if you don’t know why.
I’m sorry you are going through this right now.
How can I better support you when you feel like this?
Show them you ‘get it’.
Perhaps you remember a time in your own life when you were sad, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Someone may have asked you what’s wrong. You may have been so confused and overwhelmed that you weren’t even clear on what was making you sad and frustrated. This happens to people with anxiety disorders—it just happens more frequently. Your friend or loved one doesn’t need you to solve it or fix it. They just need you to be there for them and be supportive. This approach doesn’t blame them or target them. It simply says, “I get it.”
Are you (or someone you know) a young adult, college or university student struggling with anxiety?
This online self-guided mental health course has been designed specifically to help you learn practical ways to understand and manage your anxiety.
