How Do I Know if This is the Right Change?
By Carly Fleming, M.Ed. RP
Registered Psychotherapist
How do you know?
We’ve been talking and writing about change this month and two questions that have come up over and over again are “how do I know when it’s the right time to make a change?” and “how do I know if this is the right change to make?”. Given that these are the questions people are asking, we will endeavor to answer!
Firstly, it must be said that there are no simple, right/wrong answers to these questions.
When dealing in the uncertainty of change, we must learn to be comfortable in the grey area. That being said, there are some ways to know whether the change you’re making is a result of true self-awareness and growth or simply a reaction to something uncomfortable.
Change as a way to cope with lack of control.
When faced with things that are out of our control (…like a worldwide pandemic, for example), it is human nature to grab on to the things we can control as a way to cope. You may recognize this in your own life.
For example, you may find yourself writing more lists, sticking more rigidly to a routine or having high expectations of the behaviour of others/yourself. You may not be consciously aware that you are doing these things in order to grasp onto control, but a little observation and self-awareness can make it clear.
Another (and more life-altering) way to cope may be jumping into big life changes in order to give yourself something you can control. We see this when people choose to quit jobs, move cities or even end marriages in the face of external circumstances out of their control. This is not to say that changes like this aren’t exactly the right thing to do. But it is imperative to examine whether you are making these changes due to a true understanding of your wants and needs or as a reaction to feeling a lack of control.
By doing nothing, you’re making a choice.
When wrestling with questions about big life changes, we sometimes fail to recognize that by sticking with the status-quo and not making change, we are making a major choice. The status-quo feels comfortable and familiar so it likely doesn’t create much anxiety, fear, or uncertainty.
But the lack of these things doesn’t mean that doing nothing is the right choice, it just means it’s the most comfortable choice. In order to get a full sense of this, try imagining yourself and your life in some kind of neutral state – maybe some kind of a blank void.
Now imagine that through one door is your current life (the status-quo) and through another door is the change you are considering. Allow yourself to take an objective look at both. How does each one make you feel? Which one are you drawn to? Which one is aligned with your current values and priorities? From this vantage point you may be able to see both version as legitimate choices and hopefully you will move towards more clarity.
Live “as-if”…
If you’re really struggling to decide whether to make a change or not, there’s a simple and effective strategy that I like to call “walk the walk”. Decide that for a set amount of time (a few days or a week) you are going to live as if you’ve made the decision to change.
During this time you’re going to try to stay out of decision-making. You won’t bounce ideas back and forth or talk the options through. You will simply live as if you’ve decided. What would you do next if you’d decided? What would the next actions be? Write them down. How would you feel? How would you cope with those feelings? Who would you tell? Imagine the conversations you would have. Try to be really mindful of your mood during this period of time. Journal if you can.
Once the set amount of time is over, immediately set aside some time to reflect. Again, stay out of decision-making. Simply reflect on how you felt, what thoughts came to mind and whether you experienced positive momentum or negative re-coiling. All of this is helpful information when you return to your place of decision-making.
Need support with a big decision you’re facing?
Life is a series of changes but every once in a while it can help to have an objective third party to guide you when things become to hard to handle on your own. Our therapists are ready to make space for your struggle so you can make sense of ‘what’s next.’ Learn more about Life Transitions Counselling here.
When you’re ready, we can help.
Book a free 30 minute consultation and let’s talk about it.